Movies - Lists posts

I try not to go to bad movies. Really I do. I’m not reviewing for anyone so there’s no one to tell me to see, say, “National Lampoon’s Gold Diggers” or “Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever,” as there was several years ago when I was a backup critic at The Seattle Times. Sadly, I did the below all on my own.

But that’s why movies like “Grown Ups 2” or “Movie 43” didn’t make the cut. I never saw them. Why would I? Why would you? Did you? Why did you?

Here are my choices for the worst movies, and the worst movie trends, of the year. Your results better differ.

5. Pacific Rim (71%) and After Earth (11%)
You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you, etc.
Why did Guillermo del Toro’s movie get a 71% Rotten Tomatoes rating while M. Night Shyamalan’s only managed 11%? Because “Pacific Rim” is .... good? Because it has giant robots battling giant monsters, which is totally kick ass, while “After Earth” stars Will Smith drained of all charisma? Because critics like del Toro, don’t Shyamalan, and review the director as much as the film? Obviously I lean toward this last reason. Both movies were painful to me. They’re also symptomatic of the big-budget, post-apocalyptic world that Hollywood keeps dragging us into. This year alone we saw the end of the world as we know it in “Oblivion,” “World War Z,” “Elysium,” “This is the End,” “Ender’s Game” and “The World’s End.” Pause. I rather liked “The World’s End.” It's time to cancel the apocalypses already.

4. Before Midnight (98%) and Frances Ha (92%)
If you’re going to make a dialogue-heavy movie, make sure the woman in it is uninteresting or annoying as hell. Or both.
OK, dialogue-heavy movies starring women will never be a trend in Hollywood, so this is more coincidence than trend. But critics, c’mon. Just because a movie passes the Bechdel test doesn’t make it good. These two wound up on many year-end 10-best lists. Linklater’s film often topped them. Seriously? I don’t get it. Neither movie taught me anything. Both forced me to endure long periods with completely unlikeable people. Right, so do “Blue Jasmine” and “Wolf of Wall Street” (to name two), so why do I like those movies and not these? Maybe because Jasmine and Jordan and their respective journeys were always interesting to me. Frances? She goes from self-involved and stuck on an unworthy friend while pursing an impossible dream (dance) to self-involved and stuck on an unworthy friend while pursuing a possible dream (choreography). Thanks for that, Noah. And while many critics, viewing “Before Midnight,” saw a sad, revealing discussion between two adults in midlife, I saw a discussion between a flawed, patient man and A COMPLETE LOON. Céline associates herself with all oppressed women everywhere and associates her husband with both the Bush administration and the Nazis? And he still tries to win her back? And critics found this meaningful and lovely? It’s enough to make a man write an open letter to a movie character.

3. Olympus Has Fallen (48%) and G.I. Joe: Retaliation (28%)
More liberal messages from liberal Hollywood.
I was hoping we were past the era of the Teutonic, testosteronic, monosyllabic apeman carrying guns and right-wing messages but we’ll never be over that. There’s too much easy money there. As for the messages? Well, in “G.I. Joe,” the president isn’t really the president (knew it!), and he’s encouraging nuclear disarmament but only to make us all weak (knew it!) so he can bring out his new ZEUS weapon and COBRA can take over the world! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! And then COBRA raises its flag over the White House (bastards!). “Olympus” does the flag thing, too. It opens on the U.S. flag unfurling within the movie’s title (salutin’, bro!), but when North Koreans take over the White House they totally toss aside our bullet-ridden flag like it’s garbage (bastards!). Plus in the Middle East, they burn the flag in celebration (towelheads!). But we get them. Our hero gets them. And what’s the last shot of the movie? Fuckin’ American flag flapping over the fuckin’ White House, fuckers! Yep, just another liberal message from liberal Hollywood.

2. Upstream Color (85%), Spring Breakers (65%), and Only God Forgives (39%)
Taking exciting genre flicks and turning them into dull art-house fare.
I’ll get dinged for this, I know. Hell, I might even ding myself. Ten years from now I might think “Upstream Color” is brilliant, and “Spring Breakers” is groundbreaking, and “Only God Forgives” is brilliant and groundbreaking, but right now, this year, I merely saw a paranoid thriller, an exploitation film, and a martial arts flick turned into unwatchable, art-house mush. The men behind these movies are obviously talented but they could give a crap about story or audience. Only “Upstream Color” came close to revealing something that felt like it mattered about what it means to be alive ... but then writer-director would cut to the pig farmer. What I wrote last summer about “Only God Forgives” applies to them all: It’s not just a matter of style over substance; it’s ponderous style over almost no substance at all.

1. The Internship (35%) and Identity Thief (19%)
Because there’s nothing funnier than a massive social anxiety.
These are two of the most tone-deaf movies I’ve seen in a long while. A hardworking man gets his identity stolen by a fat, lazy, self-pitying woman, who uses his money to further her fat, lazy, self-pitying lifestyle, and the joke, for most of the movie, continues to be on him. Haw! Everyone else finds her sympathetic and him a jerk! Hee! For 90 minutes! Whee! And is there anything funnier than career obsolescence after the global financial meltdown? Am I right, kids? So why not take two guys so clueless they don’t know selling watches in 2012 isn’t still a viable option and stick them ... wait for it ... at Google! Ha! Where they can learn lessons! And technology! And find love! And win back careers! It’s wish fulfillment, see? The real-life situation may be awful and true, but the cinematic solution is awful and fake, and so there’s no way—no way—we would leave the theater sick to our stomachs. Because Hollywood made the problem—ping!—disappear like that. Hooray for it.

Getting off easy this year: “Admission,” “The Incredible Burt Wonderstone,” “The Lone Ranger,” “Populaire,” “Salinger,” and “Pain and Gain,” which was so awful I couldn’t even finish it.

Right, so what did I like? Stay tuned.

I was at a wedding the other day and a friend asked me what recent movies I'd recommend and I came up blank. I mentioned some of the movies from 2012 that skittered through Seattle in spring, like “No,” “The Gatekeepers,” “Rust and Bone.” But recent movies? In theaters?

I mean, these are my reviews of 2013 movies and only a few stand out and nothing really stuns the way “Rust and Bone” stuns. I know. We'll get those later. Hopefully.

Anyway, here are the 2013 movies I liked well enough to say I liked them. The first six I recommend highly:

1. Muscle Shoals
2. Mud
3. We Steal Secrets: The Story of WikiLeaks
4. The Bling Ring
5. The Trials of Muhammad Ali
6. 20 Feet from Stardom
7. Man of Steel
8. Blue Jasmine
9. Fruitvale Station
10. Dirty Wars
11. 2 Guns
12. The World's End
13. The Great Gatsby
14. The Spectacular Now
15. Warm Bodies
16. World War Z
17. The Way, Way Back
18. 42
19. The Heat
20. Lee Daniels' The Butler

Four of my top 6 are are documentaries. It's the Year of the Documentary.

Of the top 6, “Mud” got the widest release, 960 theaters, and grossed the most, $21.5 million. Then “Bling Ring” (650, $5.8), “20 Feet” (147, $4.2), “We Steal Secrets” (25, $166K), and “Trials of Muhammad Ali” (1, $3K). “Muscle Shoals” is getting its close-up at the end of the month.

The first wide-release film on my list is “Man of Steel,” about which I have reservations, but it still makes me smile. Ditto “2 Guns” on the strength of the Denzel/Markie Mark chemistry. Ditto all of these, really, with greater reservations the further down we go.

The rest, below, blow. They're ranked within each category from best to worst, or worst to downright insulting. Apologies for this method, but it was just too difficult to parse the disappointment I felt for movies like “To the Wonder” and “Only God Forgives” with the absolute horror I felt from movies like “Olympus Has Fallen” and “Identity Thief.”

Your results will vary.

Dude, what happened? Your last movie rocked:

• To the Wonder
• Frances Ha
• Only God Forgives

It's the end of the world as we know it ... and I feel deja vu:

• This is the End
• Elysium
• Oblivion
• Pacific Rim

Spare a cup of testosterone?

• Gangster Squad
• White House Down
• Broken City
• The Last Stand
• G.I. Joe: Retaliation
• Olympus Has Fallen

Way to shit all over a classic, Hollywood:

• Star Trek Into Darkness
• The Lone Ranger
• A Good Day to Die Hard
• Oz, The Great and Powerful

Superheroes?

• The Wolverine
• Iron Man 3

Comedies?

• Admission
• The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
• Identity Thief

Again, results will vary. A few critics liked “Only God Forgives” while “Frances Ha” is beloved (93% on Rotten Tomatoes). Plus I have yet to see a few movies that are supposed to be good: “Before Midnight,” “The Conjuring,” “Much Ado About Nothing.” Not to mention “The Act of Killing.” But mostly it's been a godawful movie year for me. And I didn't even see “Grown Ups 2.”

Anyway it's nice to know it's not my memory.

The few, the proud, the worthwhile.

http://eriklundegaard.com/reviews/2014/foreign-scandinavia/kraftidioten-%7BIn-order-of-disappearance%7D.php

More than five years ago (have I been doing this that long?), I wrote a post called “Netflix Gets It Right” in which I lauded the online DVD service for changing the default listing of its movies from alphabetical to chronological. I'm a chronology guy. It's how I see the world. You could say it's how I live through the world. You, too.

Now, five years later, Netflix has changed it up again. Go to the Woody Allen page or the Martin Scorsese page and their movies aren't listed chronologically or alphabetically; they're listed by user rating.

I get the idea. Why not let someone who doesn't know Scorsese or Allen see their best first rather than their most recent?

If it's their best. That's the problem. The highest-ranked Woody Allen movie, for example, is “Woody Allen: A Documentary” by Robert Weide, which is good, but I assume even Weide would be embarrassed by that ranking. Second is “Antz.” Third, “Radio Days.” “Annie Hall,” one of the great films, one of the great romantic comedies, turns up sixth.

Scorsese's aren't bad. “Goodfellas,” “Casino,” “No Direction Home,” “Hugo.” Not bad. “Taxi Driver” is 16th but what are you going do? “Raging Bull” is 25th, behind “The Aviator” among others, but what are you going to do?

The bigger problem is the clutter. The seventh-best Scorsese movie is “Tony Bennett: The Music Never Ends.” You think, “I didn't know Scorsese made a doc on Bennett,” and he didn't. Bruce Ricker did. It's from “American Masters.” PBS. Scorsese is a talking head. So Bruce Ricker directed the seventh-best Martin Scorsese movie.

Other movies in the Scorsese section?

• The Song of the Little Road (a doc on Satyajit Ray)
• Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project (also ahead of “Raging Bull”)
• Quiz Show
• Shark Tale
• Clockers
• Hollywood Uncensored
• Cannes: All Access

IMDb sorts by function: writer, director, actor. Would be nice if Netflix allowed this option. Or any option beyond its default option.

It's not bad for laughs, though. Bill Murray's best movie is “Eric Clapton: Crossroads Guitar Festival 2010,” then “Zombieland,” then “Space Jam.” Brad Pitt's best is “Legends of the Fall,” while his fourth-worst is “The Tree of Life.” Orson Welles' best movie is “The Muppet Movie.”

Mike's Comments

The first three are, to me, hugely better than all the rest—though “Flash Gordon” is the most quotable. Endlessly, endlessly quotable. Those first three X-Men movies were awful, just awful, but “First Class” was OK. I really don't feel like the Spider-Man movies have aged well at all.

Mike's List

1. Batman Begins (2005)
2. Iron Man (2008)
3. The Incredibles (2004)
4. The Dark Knight (2008)
5. Marvel’s The Avengers (2012)
6. Flash Gordon (1980)
7. The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
8. Superman (1978)
9. Superman II (1981)
10. Iron Man 3 (2013)
11. X-Men: First Class (2011)
12. Iron Man 2 (2010)
13. Thor (2011)
14. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
15. Spider-Man 2 (2004)
16. The Green Hornet (2011)
17. Batman Returns (1992)
18. Spider-Man (2002)
19. Batman (1966)
20. X-Men (2000)
21. Batman (1989)
22. The Rocketeer (1991)
23. Hero at Large (1980)
24. Spider-Man 3 (2007)
25. X2: X-Men United (2003)
26. X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
27. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

My Comments

Don't agree with your no. 25, of course, but completely agree with no. 26. “I don't have to explain myself—least of all to you.” My god. Has anyone ever used that against Brett Ratner? Shouldn't they? Also prefer Spider-Man (and “Spider-Man”) to Batman (and “Batman Begins”), beginning with this equation: Guilt > Revenge. My review of the 2002 “Spider-Man” should be up soon.

Your Turn

Rank the Superhero movies

He never did that trick with the bats again, did he? Shit, if I were Batman? I'd be doing that shit all the time.

David's Comments

Really difficult. Most of the older serials I'm remembering from seeing 30 years ago. Having “X3” last is a symbolic statement, since they managed to ruin the X-men's best two storylines *and* made a crappy movie at the same time.

“Avengers” starts off a bit too ponderously, and isn't as visually interesting as “Superman,” which overcomes everything to be the best superhero film ever by elevating it to art. “The Incredibles” is a fantastic film, and does the same. “Super” is highly underrated and is everything a vigilante superhero movie should be, with real emotional connections and some sensational set pieces and performances. My love for the 1980 “Flash Gordon” remains overwhelming, but I'm not sure it can count as a superhero movie.

One film I wish was on here was the 1974 TV-movie of “Mark of Zorro,” with Frank Langella in the title role, and which was still a blast when I re-watched it on YouTube a few years ago. Banderas is a fantastic Zorro, but the 1998 “Mask of Zorro” gets far, far too serious towards the end. “Meteor Man” is a film I wish would get remade by a better director. It has a strong message that Townsend just can't get across with his limited talents.

I could go on for weeks, but having actually seen both the 1994 “FF” and the 1990 “Captain America” and noting how terrible they are, “Catwoman” is worse.

David's List

1. Superman (1978)
2. The Incredibles (2004)
3. Marvel’s The Avengers (2012)
4. Super (2011)
5. The Dark Knight (2008)
6. Unbreakable (2000)
7. Darkman (1990)
8. The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
9. Chronicle (2012)
10. Spider-Man 2 (2004)

11. Superman II: The Donner Cut (2006)
12. Batman Begins (2005)
13. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
14. Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)
15. Hellboy (2004)
16. The Rocketeer (1991)
17. X-Men: First Class (2011)
18. Superman II (1981)
19. X2: X-Men United (2003)
20. Iron Man (2008)

21. Blade II (2002)
22. Sky High (2005)
23. Watchmen (2009)
24. Kick-Ass (2010)
25. Spider-Man (2002)
26. Thor (2011)
27. The Mask of Zorro (1998)
28. Batman Returns (1992)
29. X-Men (2000)
30. Flash Gordon (1980)

31. The Meteor Man (1993)
32. The Phantom (1996)
33. Batman (1966)
34. Batman (1989)
35. Superman Returns (2006)
36. Batman Forever (1995)
37. Mystery Men (1999)
38. Blade (1998)
39. Superman and the Mole Men (1951)
40. Atom Man vs. Superman (1950)

41. Hulk (2003)
42. The Shadow (1940)
43. Superman (1948)
44. Iron Man 2 (2010)
45. The Shadow (1994)
46. Captain America (1944)
47. Hero at Large (1980)
48. Batman (1943)
49. Daredevil (2003)
50. Blankman (1994)

51. Hancock (2008)
52. Adventures of Captian Marvel (1941)
53. Spawn (1997)
54. Batman and Robin (1997)
55. Fantastic Four (2005)
56. The Mark of Zorro (1940)
57. The Mark of Zorro (1920)
58. Supergirl (1984)
59. Superman III (1983)
60. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

61. Blade: Trinity (2004)
62. Steel (1997)
63. Elektra (2005)
64. The Legend of the Lone Ranger (1981)
65. The Fantastic Four (1994)
66. Captain America (1990)
67. Catwoman (2004)
68. X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

My Comments

Hey! Someone who's seen more superhero movies than I have. Now that's just sad, David.

I have fond memories of Langella's “Zorro.” For years, that's how I thought of Langella. He'd show up as Dracula, or Skeletor, or in “Dave,” and I'd think, “Look, it's Zorro!” He also had one of the better moves with that Zorro staple, the swipe at the candle. The villainous captain, pre-battle or in the midst of battle, lops off a candle to show off his talents with the sword, and Zorro does the same but nothing happens. The villain laughs. Then Zorro shows he'd cut the candle without moving it. How does he show this? In one, he picks up the candle, laughs, and blows it out. In another, with a candlabra, he stomps his foot and the thing crumbles. Langella? He silently pushes it off with the tip of his blade. When I was 11, that was the epitome of cool. (3:30 here.)

Your thoughts on “X3” are my thoughts on “Spider-Man 3.” And mine didn't even need to switch directors to eff it up. Great “Catwoman” commentary, which I haven't seen. I'll be sure to check out “Super” first.

Your Turn

Rank the Superhero movies

Still soars.

Daniel's Comments

I found myself uninterested in Raimi's “Spider-Man.” The only reason why “Spider-Man 2” is ranked so highly is that I found the Doctor Octopus arc interesting. “X-Men: The Last Stand” would probably be dead last even if I had seen every other superhero movie because it is one of the few movies that I wish I could unsee (like “Phantom Menace”).

Daniel's List

1. Marvel’s The Avengers (2012)
2. X2: X-Men United (2003)
3. Iron Man (2008)
4. Superman (1978)
5. Batman (1989)
6. Unbreakable (2000)
7. The Incredibles (2004)
8. X-Men (2000)
9. Batman Returns (1992)
10. Iron Man 3 (2013)
11. Spider-Man 2 (2004)
12. The Dark Knight (2008)
13. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
14. The Wolverine (2013)
15. Iron Man 2 (2010)
16. Batman Begins (2005)
17. The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
18. Thor (2011)
19. Blade (1998)
20. Man of Steel (2013)
21. The Incredible Hulk (2008)
22. X-Men: First Class (2011)
23. The Green Hornet (2011)
24. Superman Returns (2006)
25. Hellboy (2004)
26. Darkman (1990)
27. Spider-Man (2002)
28. Hulk (2003)
29. Superman II (1981)
30. Superman III (1983)
31. My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006)
32. Batman Forever (1995)
33. Daredevil (2003)
34. Fantastic Four (2005)
35. Batman and Robin (1997)
36. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
37. X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

My Comments

I like the “movie you wish you could unsee” thought. Mine would probably be “Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer,” because that movie really fucked me up. But there are a few superhero movies I wish I could unmake.

Your Turn

Rank the Superhero movies

A supersoldier, a superpowered war machine, the mightiest, angriest creature on Earth, a God ... plus a guy who shoots arrows and a hot chick who knows martial arts.

Reed's Comments

Had to really think back for some of these. Consider the ranking shaky at best. Yes, Supergirl beat out a lot of even lousier movies. ... Mine are very much aligned with yours. The only exceptions being the disdain I had for “Superman Returns” and the Spider-Man Reboot. Also, I am the only person I know (the only person alive) who liked “X-Men: the Last Stand.” Must've been in a good mood that day.

Reed's List

1. Superman (1978)
2. The Dark Knight (2008)
3. Iron Man (2008)
4. Spider-Man 2 (2004)
5. Watchmen (2009)
6. Kick-Ass (2010)
7. X2: X-Men United (2003)
8. The Green Hornet (2011)
9. Spider-Man (2002)
10. Unbreakable (2000)
11. Superman II (1981)
12. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
13. X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
14. The Incredibles (2004)
15. Batman (1989)
16. Iron Man 2 (2010)
17. Marvel’s The Avengers (2012)
18. The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
19. Hulk (2003)
20. Megamind (2010)
21. The Incredible Hulk (2008)
22. Batman Begins (2005)
23. Batman Returns (1992)
24. X-Men (2000)
25. Darkman (1990)
26. Batman Forever (1995)
27. Supergirl (1984)
28. Blankman (1994)
29. The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)
30. Superman Returns (2006)
31. Flash Gordon (1980)
32. Captain America (1990)
33. Green Lantern (2011)
34. Batman and Robin (1997)

My Comments

“The Green Hornet” makes the Top 10! I feel I should rewatch “Watchmen.” I saw it, and reviewed it (negatively), when I was just beginning all this. Back when I thought I knew something about this subject. Before I knew how much I didn't know.

Love that you saw the 1990 “Captain America.” But the headscratcher is the middling ranking of “The Avengers,” which I put way up there for one scene in particular.

Your Turn

Rank the Superhero movies

No. 1 with a (faster than a speeding) bullet.

Uncle Vinny's Comments

I‘ve surely seen more than these 18 superhero movies, but these are the ones I’m certain I‘ve seen and that made enough of an impression to get a ranking. I’m not especially passionate about my ranking except the top half is better than the bottom half, and “Unbreakable” is a piece of shit. For a fantastic movie with a similar theme, see Peter Weir's “Fearless.”

Uncle Vinny's List

1. Marvel’s The Avengers (2012)
2. Iron Man (2008)
3. The Dark Knight (2008)
4. Superman (1978)
5. The Incredibles (2004)
6. Iron Man 2 (2010)
7. Hancock (2008)
8. Thor (2011)
9. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
10. Mystery Men (1999)
11. Superman II (1981)
12. Batman (1989)
13. Superman III (1983)
14. Spider-Man (2002)
15. Batman Begins (2005)
16. Darkman (1990)
17. Batman and Robin (1997)
18. Unbreakable (2000)

My Comments

I've reached the age where I can see most points of view, particularly when it comes to film. But “Spider-Man” behind “Superman III”? And “Unbreakable” behind “Batman and Robin”? WTF? Admittedly, the first time I saw “Unbreakable,” I could only watch about 20 minutes before losing patience. But a friend encouraged me to check it out again.

Your Turn

Rank the Superhero movies

The Avengers assembled.

Intro

As we did with best pictures, as we did with baseball movies, we're now doing with superhero movies. Ranking them. All 96 of them and counting. 

It ain't easy to do. Sure, after a minute or two or 10 you've got your top movies. But those middling ones? The half OK, half awful ones? Brutal. How do you parse all of that disappointment? We're living in the superhero-movie age, yet there haven't been many great superhero movies, have there? Maybe there can't be. Maybe it's ultimately too juvenile a genre.

Caveat: I'm a Silver Age Marvel guy. What Frank Miller did with the genre is more Mickey Spillane than Stan Lee to me. Stan was about inner turmoil surrounded an outer toughness; Miller is about an outer toughness surrounding an inner cruelty. The Inhumans, created by Jack Kirby, are more human than Miller's humans. This point-of-view is reflected in my list.

But enough. Up up and away, semi-true believers! Or thwip! Or snikt! Or ... Yeah. Onward.

Erudite Erik's Superhero Movie Rankings

1. Spider-Man 2 (2004)
2. Superman: The Movie (1978)
3. Marvel’s The Avengers (2012)
4. X2: X-Men United (2003)
5. Iron Man (2008)
6. The Incredibles (2004)
7. Unbreakable (2000)
8. Spider-Man (2002)
9. X-Men (2000)
10. The Dark Knight (2008)

For me, “Spidey 2” wins it not only for adhering so well to the Silver-Age Marvel comic (“Spider-Man No More!”), but for giving us epic battles followed by poignant moments (elevated train, pieta; final battle, revelation). Christopher Reeve's original “Superman” is still the model on which most superhero movies are based. Plus it makes me feel 15 again. Joss Whedon gave us the epic Kirbyesque battle that the Fantastic Four/Galactus movie should have been (and didn't come close to being), while “X2” would probably be even higher on my list if its ending battle wasn't so ... meh. Obviously fanboys will be disappointed that “The Dark Knight” isn't ranked higher but it only made my top 10 because of Heath Ledger. But if it makes you feel better, Batfans, here's the IMDb rankings, where the entire “Dark Knight” trilogy is a little higher.

11. The Mark of Zorro (1940)
12. Mystery Men (1999)
13. Man of Steel (2013)
14. The Incredible Hulk (2008)
15. Batman (1966)
16. Iron Man 2 (2010)
17. The Mask of Zorro (1998)
18. Batman Begins (2005)
19. X-Men: First Class (2011)
20. Batman (1989)

Someday I should post on the Zorro movies the way I did with Superman movies. Or is that a groan I hear? And is it from me? “Mystery Men” is the best of the superhero comedies, followed closely by the Adam West “Batman.” Note: already the disappointment begins. “Man of Steel” gave us too much Krypton in the first half and too much destruction in the second. Ed Norton's “Hulk” worked best in Latin America, worst in Harlem. “Batman Begins” suffers from missed opportunities.

21. Superman Returns (2006)
22. Hancock (2008)
23. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
24. The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)
25. The Mark of Zorro (1920)
26. Superman II: The Donner Cut (2006)
27. Hellboy (2004)
28. Iron Man 3 (2013)
29. Batman (1943)
30. Thor (2011)

I'm a bigger fan of “Superman Returns” than most. “Hancock” was onto something but lost it. “Captain America” felt too anodyne, while “Amazing Spider-Man” rebooted too soon, tried too hard to be “Dark Knight,” and its hero was overall too distracted. (Hello? The Burglar?) Watch “the Donner cut” of Supes II for the first scene, which is great. I need to see “Hellboy” again. “Iron Man 3” makes it this high for the middle portion, Iron Man unironed, and for Robert Downey, Jr., who never loses his sense of irony. “Thor”? Verily, he never did much for me. By this point, not even halfway through the list, we're already beginning to get into the dregs.

31. Superman (1948)
32. Sky High (2005)
33. Kick-Ass (2010)
34. Blade (1998)
35. Chronicle (2012)
36. Hero at Large (1980)
37. Superman II (1981)
38. Watchmen (2009)
39. The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
40. Atom Man vs. Superman (1950)

I can be persuaded to switch my vote on a lot of these. “Kick Ass” is better than “Sky High”? Sure. I just remember being charmed by the latter, pissed off by the former. “Blade” is better than “Thor”? Could be. At this point, I'm shrugging my shoulders.

41. Fantastic Four (2005)
42. Hulk (2003)
43. X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
44. Batman Forever (1995)
45. Blade: Trinity (2004)
46. The Green Hornet (2011)
47. Superhero Movie (2008)
48. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
49. Batman Returns (1992)
50. The Shadow (1994)

It's getting painful now, isn't it? All those hours wasted: Mine, yours and the filmmakers'. All those dollars down the drain. All that talent that could've been working on better things.

51. Batman and Robin (1949)
52. Superman III (1983)
53. Daredevil (2003)
54. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)
55. Superman and the Mole Men (1951)
56. Ghost Rider (2007)
57. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012)
58. Elektra (2005)
59. Green Lantern (2011)
60. The Legend of the Lone Ranger (1981)

For a while I thought “Daredevil” was the worst superhero movie ever made. Those were the days.

61. Supergirl (1984)
62. Spider-Man 3 (2007)
63. Batman and Robin (1997)
64. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
65. The Spirit (2008)

Can a superhero movie be worse than Frank Miller's “The Spirit”? Possibly. I haven't seen the 1994 version of “Fantastic Four,” for example. But “The Spirit” is at the bottom here because while “Supergirl” is awful, and “Spider-Man 3” destroys the legacy of the first two movies (while destroying Spider-Man's entire raison d'etre), and “Batman and Robin” is a chesse factory, and “Superman IV” ruins what good feelings we had left over from the Chris Reeve/Superman franchise, at least it had good intentions. Frank Miller had stars, budget, studio backing. He had power and he created this CGI crapfest. We never get outside of his imagination and his imagination is small and dirty. It’s appropriate that our first set piece is the swampland outside Central City, because that’s what Miller’s imagination feels like to me. There, the Octopus clangs a toilet over The Spirit’s head and laughs, and when The Spirit doesn’t join in, when none of us join in, he declares, in full Sam Jackson bore, “Come on! Toilets are always funny!” To quote from the film: “Pardon me, but is there a point to this? I’m getting old just listening to you.”

Not Yet Seen

Don Q: Son of Zorro (1925)
Zorro Rides Again (1937)
Zorro’s Fighting Legion (1939)
The Shadow (1940)
Adventures of Captian Marvel (1941)
The Phantom (1943)
Captain America (1944)
Flash Gordon (1980)
The Return of Captain Invincible (1983)
Darkman (1990)
Captain America (1990)
The Rocketeer (1991)
The Meteor Man (1993)
The Fantastic Four (1994)
Blankman (1994)
The Phantom (1996)
Steel (1997)
Spawn (1997)
The Specials (2000)
Blade II (2002)
The Punisher (2004)
Catwoman (2004)
The Legend of Zorro (2005)
Zoom (2006)
My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006)
Punisher: War Zone (2008)
Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)
Megamind (2010)
Super (2011)

Your Turn

Rank the Superhero movies

Go on; you know you want to rank 'em.

After posting my list of the top 10 films of the 1980s, as well as IMDb's, I wondered how the '80s looked to the American Film Institute, that august body of ... whoever.

It released its top 100 movies in 1998, then again 10 years later. The first list, which was put together when the '80s weren't yet 10 years past, included only six movies from that decade, and most of these were from the earlier, '70s-influenced part of the decade:

• 24. Raging Bull (1980)
• 25. E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
• 53. Amadeus (1984)
• 60. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
• 62. Tootsie (1982)
• 83. Platoon (1986)

By 2008 and the second list, “Raging Bull” had roared up from 24th to 4th place, while “E.T.” had roared up ... one place, to 24th. Everything else fell back: “Raiders” six places, “Tootsie” seven, “Platoon” three. Three other movies were added, but only one (“Do the Right Thing”) from the latter part of the decade. One movie, “Amadeus,” inexplicable fell off the list entirely:

• 4. Raging Bull (1980)
• 24. E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
• 66. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
• 69. Tootsie (1982)
• 86. Platoon (1986)
• 91. Sophie's Choice (1982)
• 96. Do the Right Thing (1989)
• 97. Blade Runner (1982)

So how do the '80s look to AFI? Here's a graph of the films on their second list, separated by decade:

A bit of a dropoff there. Except for the first decades of the 20th century (the silent era), and the first decade of the 21st century (the yahoo era), the 1980s are considered the worst decade for Hollywood movies by Hollywood people.

Will this change as the '80s recede from view and we begin to see what made the decade unique? Doubtful. What made the decade unique wasn't very artistic and it's art that lasts.

“Raging Bull,” the most honored movie of the 1980s, has at least one foot in the 1970s.

Yesterday I posted my top 10 movies of the 1980s. Here's IMDb's version, followed by rating and ranking:

1. Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back (1980): 8.8; 11th place
2. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981): 8.6; 27th place
3. Back to the Future (1985): 8.5; 44th place
4. The Shining (1980): 8.5 46th place
5. Aliens (1986): 8.4; 57th place
6. Das Boot (1981): 8.4; 72nd place
7. Cinema Paradiso (1988): 8.4; 73rd place
8. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (1983): 8.3; 78th place
9. Once Upon a Time in America (1984): 8.3; 79th place
10. Full Metal Jacket (1987): 8.3; 81st place

“Return of the Jedi” still makes the cut. Funny.

Funnier? The movie between “Back to the Future” and “The Shining” is something called “Citizen Kane.”

Charles Foster Kane had mother issues, too.

Movie Mezzanine recently asked a bunch of critics for their top 10 movies of the '80s and printed, or least uploaded, the results. Since no one asked, I thought I'd join the party.

Man, what a sucky decade for film. And politics. And culture in general. It's the decade when we began to turn right, tune out and dumb down. Director-driven movies died and studio-produced sequels thrived. Woody Allen stumbled out of the gate but found himself and created some of his most inventive work. Martin Scorsese started with a bang and ended with a bang but lost himself in the middle. Alfred Hitchcock, Francois Truffaut, Hal Ashby, Orson Welles, and John Huston died. Francis Ford Coppola made “One from the Heart.”

Here's my list. Feel free to add yours below.

1. Amadeus (1984)
2. Tootsie (1982)
3. Raging Bull (1980)
4. The Right Stuff (1983)
5. Matewan (1987)
6. Raising Arizona (1987)
7. 28 Up (1984)
8. My Life as a Dog (1985)
9. Do The Right Thing (1989)
10. This is Spinal Tap (1984)

Tough to leave off: Blue Velvet (1986), Bull Durham (1988), Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989), Coup de Torchon (1982), Die Hard (1988), Full Metal Jacket (1987), Hannah and her Sisters (1986), Jean de Florette (1986), The Princess Bride (1987). 

How do you judge the value of a film? Is it while watching it? Immediately after? During the talking and writing? In how much it stays with you? In whether you want to see it again next week? Next year? In five years? Does it say anything worth saying about what it means to exist? Does it at least entertain in a way that doesn't feel diminishing? Does it entertain without sapping our strength?

In ranking the best movies of the year, I try for some combination of all of these.

I still say 2012 was a weak year for movies. I had my favorites early on in 2009, 2010 and 2011: “L'heure d'ete,” “Up,” “Un Prophete,” “Restrepo,” “The Tree of Life,” “Des hommes et des dieux.” I had no favorites early this year. SIFF let me down. The distributors of good French films let me down. It took them so long to get “Rust and Bone” to me. I needed it last summer when stuck in the stench between superhero July and weak-tea August. September and October had its upswings but November and December were mostly cold and harsh. In the American hinterlands, such as Seattle, we wait for January and February for the best movies to finally arrive. And sometimes they're not the best movies. 

Here's my list for the best movies of 2012. When I finally put it together, right now, I thought, “You know, it's not that bad a list.”

10. Searching for Sugar Man

In the 1970s in South Africa, so the story goes, there were three albums in every white, liberal (read: anti-Apartheid) home: “Abbey Road” by the Beatles; “Bridge Over Troubled Water” by Simon and Garfunkel; and “Cold Fact” by Rodriguez. Everyone listened to Rodriguez. “He was the soundtrack to our lives,” says record-shop owner Steve Segerman. It just took awhile for the South Africans to realize, isolated as they were by Apartheid, that while everyone in the world knew about the Beatles and Simon and Garfunkel, nobody anywhere knew anything about Rodriguez.

So who was he? Where was he from? Was he still alive? How did his music get to South Africa? Documentarian Malik Bendjelloul blows it, in part, by not beginning with the mystery in South Africa but with Rodriguez himself in the 1970s in Detroit, where he lived and recorded. And died? But the story itself makes up for this miscue.

9. Argo

Ben Affleck’s “Argo” is the type of movie Hollywood never makes any more: a thriller for adults, steeped in history and humor. The tension at the end is so heightened I almost got a headache. But it’s what they do at the beginning that is particularly noteworthy.

Affleck and screenwriter Chris Terrio have the audacity to show us, in storyboard fashion, a short history of Iran and its shahs, and of the election in 1950 of Mohammad Mosaddegh, an author and lawyer, who nationalized British and U.S. petroleum in his country, and who was overthrown in a coup orchestrated by MI6 and the CIA three years later. His replacement was Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, whom we all knew as the Shah of Iran, whose lifestyle was profligate, whose police force was ruthless, and who attempted to westernize his country, angering Islamic clerics. This helped lead to his own coup d’etat in 1979, which brought to power the Ayatollah Khomeini. Later that year, Iranian students overwhelmed the U.S. embassy in Tehran. Thus began the age we live in.

8. The Avengers

This is the superhero movie we’ve been waiting for. It’s imbued with the same spirit that Stan Lee and Jack Kirby brought to comic books in the early 1960s. Comics under Stan and Jack grew like Bruce Banner under gamma radiation. They grew not only in sales but stature. They grew up. There was a new seriousness—superheroes had problems, superhero teams fought each other like family members—but there was also that pizzazz, that lack of seriousness, that insouciance. Jack’s drawings brought the gravitas and Stan’s personality the lighter-than-air pizzazz. Whedon’s “The Avengers” has that same spirit. It’s fast and fun and contains laugh-out-loud moments. It’s epic and smart and never gets bogged down. At one point I looked at my watch and nearly two hours had passed. Foosh.

How about the scene where all the aliens go after the Hulk? Twenty on one. How about that long, epic, tracking shot that shows us each Avenger in the midst of battle, like some two-page, single-panel extravaganza from Jack Kirby or John Romita or John Byrne? Christopher Nolan in his Batman movies uses quick cuts like he’s directing an MTV video for our distracted age. Whedon seems to be asking himself: How much epic battle can I contain in one tracking shot? He’s the Alfonso Cuaron of superhero directors.

7. Monsieur Lazhar

Most teachers in these types of movies are human but heroic. Monsieur Lazhar is human but a fake. In Algeria, he was a civil servant and restaurateur, not a teacher. He isn’t even a citizen of Canada. He’s struggling to stay in the country as a political refugee but the government has doubts about his story. It thinks Algeria is back to normal now. “Algeria is never completely normal,” he responds.

He may be a fake teacher but he’s genuine. He’s fussy and a little nervous. He’s scrupulous in manner. He wants the kids to learn. He has nightmares that, because he didn’t do his job correctly, they’ll become grown-ups but speak as children. A description for our entire culture.

6. Amour

Returning from a piano concerto, Georges (Jean-Louis Trintignant) comments to his wife Anne (Emmanuelle Riva) about the scuff marks on the lock to their beautiful high-ceilinged Paris apartment. They’re screwdriver marks. Someone has tried to break in. He dismisses the would-be thieves as amateurs, not professionals, but for the rest of the movie this feeling of imminent invasion and theft never goes away. It always feels like someone or something is about to come through the door because something is. The movie is about the most professional thief of all. The one we can’t keep out. The one who, in the end, takes everything.

If most movies lie to us or ply us with wish-fulfillment fantasies (we are handsome, good and victorious), the movies of German writer-director Michael Haneke do the opposite: they lay bare, in the starkest way, our greatest fears: We are not safe (“Funny Games”), we are not good (“The White Ribbon”), we have no privacy (“Caché”). Plus we have no idea what’s going on (all of the above). With “Amour,” he focuses on our greatest fear: We are going to die. And death, when it comes, won’t be easy and it won’t be pretty.

5. Footnote

The trailers make “Footnote” seem like a lighthearted romp but there’s nothing lighthearted about it. Uriel Shkolnik (Lior Ashkenazi) is a professor of Talmudic studies in Israel, as was his father, Eliezer (Shlomo Bar-Aba), before him. The younger Shkolnik is celebrated, the elder not. Eliezer’s tragedy, his long-stewing resentment, is that his life’s work was usurped by a lucky break by another scholar, Prof. Grossman (Micah Lewensohn), who, a month before Eliezer was set to publish, simply found what Eliezer’s 30 years of careful, scientific study was attempting to point towards. His entire career is now seen as unnecessary and vaguely ridiculous. His one solace: a great scholar once mentioned him in a footnote. Every year, too, he applies for the Israel Prize, the most honored of honors, but never wins. This year, that changes. He’s walking to the library, as always, to continue his pointless research, when he receives a phone call from the committee chair congratulating him. The wrinkle? The committee called the wrong Prof. Shkolnik. The honor is supposed to go to the son.

The son finds out but keeps silent. The father finds out but keeps silent. Everything that isn’t said poisons what remains. The fiction Uriel creates to save his relationship with his father destroys his relationship with his father. The ending remains unknowable. It’s a Jewish ending, an Old Testament ending. It recalls the Yiddish proverb: Man thinks, God laughs. “Footnote” is a comedy for God.

4. Lincoln

In 1915, Pres. Woodrow Wilson called “The Birth of a Nation,” D.W. Griffith’s Confederate-friendly epic, “history written with lightning,” but I wouldn’t call this movie that. It’s history written as carefully as history should be. It’s well-researched and made dramatic and relevant. Abraham Lincoln (Daniel Day-Lewis), the most saintly of all presidents, isn’t presented here as a saint but as a smart, moral, political man, who, under extraordinary pressure from all sides, does what he has to do in order to do the right thing. His machinations aren’t clean. It takes a little bit of bad to do good. Progress is never easy. There are always slippery-slope arguments against it. Sure, free the slaves. Then what? Give Negroes the vote? Allow them into the House of Representatives? Give women the vote? Allow intermarriage? The preposterousness of where the road might take us prevents us from taking the first step. Then and now.

I once said of Jeffrey Wright’s Martin Luther King, Jr., that no one would ever do it better; I now say the same of Day-Lewis’ Lincoln. He only has to talk about his dreams to his wife, Mary Todd (Sally Field), with his stockinged feet up on the furniture, a kind of languid ease in his long-limbed body, and I’m his. He only has to quote Shakespeare one moment (“I could count myself a king of infinite space were it not that I have bad dreams”), and, in the next, ask Mary, in a colloquialism of the day, “How’s your coconut?” and I’m his. I remember when I was young, 10 or so, and we were visiting my father’s sister, Alice, and her husband, Ben, and when we had to leave I began to cry. Because I didn’t want to leave Uncle Ben. I liked being near him. He had a calm and gentle spirit that I and my immediate family did not. It felt comfortable to be around. I got that same feeling from Daniel Day-Lewis here. How does he do that? How do you act a calm and gentle spirit?

3. The Master

We’re on a Pacific island beach waiting out the end of the war, and Freddie, one Navy man of many, is already isolated from the rest. He’s cutting coconuts while the other men wrestle on the beach. They make a sand woman on the beach, hair flowing, legs open, and Freddie gets on top and starts pumping away. It’s funny for a second, then gets embarrassing fast. Freddie gets too into it. There’s too much need there. When we hear the Japanese surrender aboard the U.S.S. Missouri, Freddie and other men are aboard their ship searching for, I believe, gasoline, from the ship’s missiles. To drink. “Peace is here,” the announcer intones. You look at Freddie and think: No, it’s not.

If Freddie is a wrecked man, prone to bursts of sex and violence, Lancaster Dodd is an ebullient man who cannot abide dissent. Others call him ‘The Master’ but he lives in a post-World War II democracy that has just swept away the would-be masters of the world. Dissent lives. Thus his group, like all beginning religions, are forced to wander in the wilderness: from San Francisco to New York to Philadelphia to Phoenix, where The Cause, he hopes, will be reborn. But it’s a downward trajectory. All the while, they’re losing adherents. The movie is deeply felt and rendered, beautifully shot and art-directed, and acted by artists and professionals. It’s also a failure in terms of story. But I would still rather watch it again than almost any movie released this year.

2. End of Watch

“End of Watch,” written and directed by David Ayer (“Training Day”; “Harsh Times”), is powerful, original, funny and terrifying. It feels as authentic as anything that’s been filmed about cops. True, our guys run into more trouble in a year than most cops do in a lifetime; but the tone is right, the dialogue and acting so natural they verge on improvisational, and the vernacular so specific to police work you almost need a lexicon to understand what’s being said.

As for the Mexican drug cartel? It keeps on. Mike dies, it lives. He dies not even knowing the story he was in. One wonders if this isn’t a healthier ending than the wish-fulfillment fantasies Hollywood provides, or the kind of catharsis Aristotle recommended. We get no catharsis here, no justice, so maybe we search for it elsewhere. Maybe we try to make it happen elsewhere. At the least, “End of Watch” is a movie everyone who funds the illegal drug trade should see. Because no matter how much damage drugs do to you, the real damage isn’t done to you.

1. Rust and Bone

“De rouille et d’os” (“Rust and Bone”) is a beautiful film about tragic circumstances. In the hands of a lesser writer-director, it would be melodrama but Jacques Audiard (“Un Prophete”) makes poetry out of it. A bloody tooth, loosened during a fight, spins in slow motion on the pavement as if in dance. A woman whose legs have been cut off above the knee returns to the ocean, whose warm waters glisten. Later, with metal legs and cane, she walks down the steps at Marineland, where she once worked, and stands in silence before a large glass tank. She pats the glass once, twice. After a moment, a monster looms into view. An Orca. The Orca? The one who took her legs? One assumes not. One assumes that one has been killed but you never know and Audiard never says. We simply watch the whale move with her movements. It’s been trained, and she was one of its trainers. She’s confronting her past, finally, but it’s also a moment steeped in silence and mystery and beauty and forgiveness. It’s the best scene in the best movie of the year.

And you?

Other lists:

• My Top 10 Movie Lines of 2012
• My Five Worst Movies of 2012
• My Top 10 Movies of 2011
• My Top 10 Movie Lines of 2011
• My Five Worst Movies of 2011
• My Top 10 Movies of 2010
• My Top 10 Movies of 2009

Last year about this time I posted the following:

Writing about movies is in some sense like putting on corrective lenses. It clarifies my vision but it also also polarizes my feelings. The good become very, very good; the bad godawful. The muddy middle disappears.

A year later and my corrective-vision analogy stands corrected. This year felt like a lot of muddy middle. Nothing as good as “The Tree of Life” or “Un Prophete.” Nothing as bad as “Sucker Punch” or “Green Lantern.”

I thought about adding some high-profile films to my “worst of...” list, but in the end it didn't feel honest. I enjoyed “The Dark Knight Rises” enough in the theater, even as I was shaking my head away from it. “Cloud Atlas” collapsed on itself by the third act but there's talent there. I squirmed through the last third of “Silver Linings Playbook” but I liked a lot of what David O. Russell attempted.

So here we go. This is the fun one, kids: the Golden Globes of lists. Get a drink, sit back, and go, “Oh right. Ewww.”

5. Wrath of the Titans

Early on, Zeus tells Perseus, “You will learn that being half human makes you stronger than a God.” Then he adds, “not weaker,” so we know what stronger means. But it’s total bullshit. On the Mount of Idols, Ares, a full god, kicks Perseus’ ass. It’s not even close. He could break him in two. Why doesn’t he? It’s not in the story. Perseus has to overcome great odds, and even greater pain, to become the demigod version of Rocky Balboa or John McClane. He isn’t a character. He’s a copy of a copy of a copy. Everything about him is blurred. It’s the CGI that’s sharp and in focus.

“Wrath” gives us comic relief that's not funny, a battle-ready Andromeda who can’t battle, and a Perseus who forgets his entire raison d’etre from the first movie. In that film, Hades (Ralph Fiennes) killed his adopted parents and sister, and Perseus burns to take him out. He has the chance at the end of this movie. Zeus is dead, Hades is weak, Perseus eyes him. With revenge? Will he take him out now? Will he even reference his raison d’etre from the first movie? No. “All my power is spent,” Hades says. “Who knows? I might be stronger without it.” Then he walks away. Perseus watches him and ... smiles. Then he goes and kisses Andromeda. Because he’s supposed to. He’s a copy of a copy of a copy.

Yay! Snot Monster may have snot, but at least he's in focus...

4. Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance

The Devil bestrides the Earth again in the guise of another actor (Ciarán Hinds, replacing Peter Fonda), and he wants his son Danny back from his mother, Nadya. In his way? The Ghost Rider, of course. Or “The Rider” as he's called here. Is “Ghost” too silly now? Did it not test well? Is the term too associated with a ridiculous 1970s-era Marvel Comics character with a flaming skull and a flaming motorcycle who sells his soul to the Devil, then fights the Devil, even as he eats souls ostensibly for the Devil?

At one point the Rider wakes up in a hospital and Nic Cage gets to do crazy Nic Cage shit: asking for morphine and pills and yadda yaddas. When he and Nadya hook up, Nic Cage gets to say a few crazy Nic Cage lines: “No, I get it. You’re the devil’s baby mama.” Nic Cage has built the second-half of his career around intentionally stupid shit, and some of it would’ve been preferable to the paint-by-numbers plot we get here. At a diner, for example, after he and Nadya rescue Danny, and after seeing a father and son bonding at the diner for a few seconds, Johnny decides he wants to bond with Danny, too. Sure! His need is so palpable that Danny tells him, “Dude. You’re way cooler than the guys she hangs out with.” This, sadly, pleases Johnny. Is there anything worse than an adult who need the approval of a child? Who want to be cool in the eyes of children?

But then Danny is more grown-up than the overacting adults around him. He actually raises the question we’re all wondering. Aren’t I the Devil’s son? Isn’t that bad? Why save him? To which Johnny replies:

The power we have comes from a dark place. But it doesn’t mean we’re bad. We can do good. We can help people.

I thought the Rider didn’t help people? Oh right, that's what he said a half-hour before.

Nic Cage, Hack for Hire.

3. Dark Shadows

So Elizabeth wants the fact that Barnabus is a 200-year-old vampire kept secret from everyone, including the family, so she introduces him as Barnabus III. From England. Ha ha. All of these jokes fall flat. Then Barnabus meets the new governess, Victoria, who looks exactly like his long-lost true love, Josette, and discovers that his nemesis, Angelique, has survived all of these years and is now running the town. What does he do? Get revenge on Angelique? Court Victoria? Neither. He sets about restoring the family name and reputation. We get a montage—backed by the Carpenters’ “Top of the World”—of workers sprucing up Collinwood and the Collins Canning Factory opening its doors again. When Barnabus finally meets Angelique, she makes a pass at him; the second time they have rough sex. He also sucks the blood out of a band of hippies in the woods. Ha ha. Then he kills Dr. Hoffman, who, under the pretense of curing him of vampirism, and wanting eternal youth, tries to turn herself into a vampire. Before this, she goes down on him. Ha ha.

Throughout, director Tim Burton lets his freak flag fly. He paints Johnny Depp chalky white as in “Edward Scissorhands,” “Ed Wood,” “Willie Wonka,” and “Sweeney Todd.” He has the living and the dead raise a family again, as in “Beetlejuice.” But there’s no juice here. Burton’s always been a lousy storyteller, sacrificing plot and plausibility for imagery, but even the imagery here feels stale. Burton’s love of the dead finally feels dead.

Totally, Chloe.

2. Les Tribulations d'une caissiere (A Checkout Girl's Big Adventure)

How bad is this thing?

Near the end, our title character, Solweig (Déborah François), a cashier at a Target-like store, is being followed into the women’s locker room by the creepy floor manager, Mercier (Jean-Luc Couchard), who has just found out—ah ha!—that the mysterious blogger, misscheckingout.com, who has gotten over a million hits expounding on customer-service matters, and whose posts have led to the beginning of a nationwide strike by checkout girls, is, in fact ... Solweig! She’s the one who’s making the lives of management miserable! So what does he do with this information? How does he handle Solweig, who, he now knows, has the ear of the nation? He sexually assaults her, of course.

But wait! At that moment, passing by, is a handsome man dressed in a Santa Claus suit. (It’s Christmastime.) He’s named Charles (Nicolas Giraud), and he has a thing for Solweig, and she for him, because one night when it was snowing as prettily as it snows in snowglobes, she, in the midst of breaking up with a boyfriend we’ve never seen, slips in the snow and Charles emerges from a limo to help her up. Like in a fairy tale! He also gives her his phone number, which is subsequently made illegible by her bratty 10-year-old brother, so of course she can’t call and make a date and continue along the path of young love. Fortunately, he finds out about her. But isn't she a tutor? Why is she working as a cashier? Rather than ask, he dresses up as Santa Claus so he can spy on her without revealing himself. But when Mercier attempts to rape her, he bursts in, head-butts Mercier, gapes at Solweig, and flees.

But wait! Our heroine, who is sweet, pretty and rather self-satisfied for someone with such a shitty job, has just been assaulted by her scummy boss, then saved by the man of her dreams. What does she do? She follows the man of her dreams into the parking lot to ... berate him for making her lose her job. Seriously. “I’ve lost everything because of you!” she wails. Because he saved her from rape? From her boss? She can get fired for that? Besides, doesn’t she get it? A million hits. Talked about on the nightly news. How can she not see the upside of all of this? Surely it means a book deal. Maybe even a best-seller. Perhaps called, as this film is called, Les tribulations d'une caissière. Because we can see it. We can see it a mile off.

Apparently the French can make shitty movies, too. Vive le meme chose!

1. Trouble with the Curve

Remember all of those aging decrepit scouts in “Moneyball” who didn’t know shit compared with the sabermetric whiz kid with the computer (Jonah Hill)? Well, they’re back, baby, but this time they’re the heroes, with the lead scout played one of the most iconic figures in Hollywood history (Clint Eastwood), while the whiz kid with the computer is now played by the asshole who cuckolded George Clooney in “The Descendants” (Matthew Lillard). Consider it “Moneyball II: Revenge of the Decrepit Scouts.”

My early guess as to the film's resolution: The asshole sabermetrician will want the can't-miss prospect, named Bo, who's a tubby jerk, while the iconic scout will see some problem with the kid (maybe he has ... trouble with the curve?), and recommend against, but offer up Rigo, the modest, flame-throwing Hispanic kid, instead. All of this nearly comes to pass. Gus, with macular degeneration, hears that Bo has trouble with the curve, which is confirmed by his estranged daughter Mickey (Amy Adams). But the team GM assumes the asshole sabermetrician who cuckolded George Clooney knows what he’s talking about, and picks tubbo. Meanwhile, it's Mickey, in the midst of being passed up for a promotion at her sexist law firm, run by the Shawshank warden, who hears, then sees, then catches Rigo, and brings him to Turner Field to face Bo, who is hitting batting-practice pitches into the stands for the local press. It take Rigo all of five pitches (two fastballs, three curves) to dismantle the Braves’ No. 1 pick. I know. In the process, he is compared to: 1) Sandy Koufax, 2) Steve Carlton and 3) Randy Johnson. I know. Then Mickey becomes Rigo’s agent, Justin Timberlake returns for a kiss, and we get our Hollywood ending. I know.

It’s a long, slow trek to the painfully obvious. How painful? Like this:

And on your list?

Rogert Ebert posted this on Facebook this morning:

The best year for movies this decade? You mean in three years? Isn't that like being the best-looking of the three stooges?

But I don't even agree with that, seeing, as I did, great things in movies in 2010 (“Un Prophete,” “Restrepo,” “The Social Network,” “True Grit,” “A Film Unfinished”) and 2011 (“The Tree of Life,” “Des hommes at des dieux,” “Young Adult,” “Moneyball,” “The Descendants”), but not so much this year. I think this has been a pretty lame year for movies, actually. I keep waiting to get stunned and it hasn't happened. I guess I don't know if it's me or the movies. Maybe Roger's right and I'm wrong. It's happened before.

I love that Roger included “End of Watch” among his top 10. Everyone is forgetting that one. And I suppose it won't be too difficult to find a top 10, particularly if I include documentaries and foreign films from 2011 that didn't get a U.S. release until 2012. But I'm not getting stunned at the movies this year. There are no movies like “L'heure d'ete” or “Un Prophete” or “The Tree of Life” where I think, “Let somebody beat that.”

Some come close:

• “Argo,” if it had focused more deeply on the characters and less on the difficult-to-believe thrill of the chase.
• “Lincoln,” if it hadn't tried to mythologize fore and aft.
• “The Avengers,” if it had held up on second viewing and wasn't about, you know, superstrong people and space invaders and Norse gods.
• “Les Misérables,” if it was truly interested in les misérables rather than love love love.
• “Life of Pi,” if its two stories could collapse into each other better.
• “The Master,” if it had created any kind of story with any kind of resonance.

But no clear knock-out. I'm reserving judgment on “Zero Dark Thirty” and “Amour” until they fucking arrive already.