Thursday September 17, 2015
Ranking the Sad, Orwellian, Burt-Reynolds-in-a-1970s-Car-Chase-Movie Codenames the GOP Candidates Chose for Themselves
Il Ducebag, Twig, DietKoch
I didn't watch the GOP Debates last night. I had somewhere else to be, better people to see, different drinking games to play.
But I liked one of the questions posed to the candidates: If elected, what would they want their Secret Service codename to be?
Fun question. Godawful answers.
Let's group them:
- John Kasich: “Unit One”
- Ben Carson: “One Nation”
- Chris Christie: “True Heart”
- Jeb Bush: “Ever-Ready”
So Orwellian it makes Orwell throw up
- Donald Trump: “Humble”
A rebooted 1970s Burt Reynolds car chase movie
- Marco Rubio: “Gator”
- Scott Walker: “Harley”
- Mike Huckabee: “Duck Hunter”
Or a '80s Sylvester Stallone flick directed by Robert Rodriguez
- Ted Cruz: “Cohiba”
A bigger lie than Trump's lie
- Rand Paul: “Justice Never Sleeps”
The final insult
- Carly Fiorina: “Secretariat”
You can dismiss all the “ones” as forgettable, and all the guys trying to associate themselves with motorcycles and cigars and huntin' as pathetic. Jeb's is sad, too, trying to associate himself with his opposite and thus coming off like a Glee Club president.
Trump? Well, he's obviously enjoying himself with that one. He's obviously thumbing his nose at anyone who gives a shit about holding these guys, and this forum, to any kind of standard. He's saying, “I play by my own rules.” It's beyond Truthiness. It's Trumpiness.
But I give Fiorina the prize for worst answer. When I'm low, I watch the 1973 Belmont Stakes to pick me up; to remind myself that greatness exists. Fiorina is assocating herself with the greatest racehorse who ever lived and right now she isn't even in the race. I wouldn't even associate her with Secretariat's great rival, Sham, because Sham was a helluva horse. Think about that: Fiorina isn't even close to being a sham.
Oh, and for the record, my Secret Service codename would be YankeesSuck.