WARNING: SPOILERS 

The movie begins with a voiceover from super-scientist Ilene Andrews (Rebecca Hall) about how for centuries we humans thought we were the dominant species on the planet, and that life could only exist on the surface, and now we know there are titans, giant creatures like Kong and Godzilla, with thousands more living in Hollow Earth, the prehistoric jungle realm in the center of the world. 

“You have to wonder,” she intones, “what else we were wrong about.”

Great lesson! The rest of the movie is people—mostly her—stating with absolute certainty what they can’t possibly know.

Why is Kong leaving Hollow Earth? “Godzilla won’t come down here unless Kong brings him,” Ilene says.

Why is Godzilla absorbing massive amounts of energy? “The Iwi must have known it was just a matter of time, and that’s why they’ve been calling for help, and that’s why Godzilla is changing,” Ilene says.

Right. The only possible answer, old chum.

Most of this know-everythingism is exposition, since Kong and Godzilla can’t tell us why they’re doing what they’re doing, but it doesn’t help that many titan actions are the result of telephathic communications from the Iwi tribe in Hollow Earth, and they don’t talk, either. So Ilene keeps filling the nonsensical gap.

But my favorite example of someone stating with absolute certainty what they can’t possibly know is just good old fashioned hubris:

Trapper: It’s a bit rough and ready, but it should hold.

Who’s Trapper? He’s a hippy-dippy veterinary-dentist (Dan Stevens of “Downton Abbey”). Initially I thought his character was an homage to Jeff Bridges’ slacker-hippy in the 1976 Jessica Lange version of “King Kong,” but no, he's apparently like some 1980s G.I. Joe named “Chuckles” because director Adam Wingard’s wanted to make the movie akin to the experience of walking down a toy store aisle in the 1980s—as every good director wants to do. We first see Trapper, amid blaring rock music, helicoptering onto an anesthetized Kong to replace a sore tooth. But the new tooth isn’t the thing that “should hold.” No.

Deep breath.

You see, when Kong battles the movie’s villain, Skar King, in the Great Ape colony in Hollow Earth, Skar King unleashes Shimo, a kind of reverse-Godzilla whose breath is ice rather than fire, and who, according to Iwi legend, caused the last Ice Age on Earth. In this battle, Shimo freezes Kong’s right hand, rendering it useless. Ah, but ever since the last movie the Monarch team has been working on “Project Powerhouse,” augmentations for Kong against existential threats, and these include an exoskeleton-type glove. Ilene and Trapper figure now’s the time to trot out the prototype. So Trapper flies to get it and then puts it on Kong. And that’s when he says the line.

I can’t change a tire without worrying it’ll come off, but this guy, a dentist by trade, puts a giant mechanical glove on King Fucking Kong and assures everyone “It should hold”? My kingdom if it had fallen off as soon as Kong stood.

The x is silent
Why was this the plan anyway? I mean for the filmmakers. Who thought, “You know what’s missing from this franchise? A mechanical glove for Kong!” Turns out, per IMDb trivia, it was to boost sales of Kong toys. Shocker.

OK, but what’s with the X in the title? The last one was “Godzilla vs. Kong,” because they fought. Now they’re teaming up, so shouldn’t it be “Godzilla + Kong”? Or is it “x” because they’re not just being added together, they’re being multiplied? Nope. Per studio PR, the “x” is silent. It's supposed to be like something that appears in a lot of Hollywood contracts. Great. Thanks for thinking of us.

For those paying attention, which I assume is a handful of sad folks somewhere, this is the fifth installment in Warner Bros.’ “Monsterverse,” its sad attempt to do with monster IP what Disney/Marvel did with superhero IP. To wit:

• Godzilla (2014)
• Kong: Skull Island (2017)
• Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019)
• Godzilla vs. Kong (2021)

The first of these Godzilla movies was simply envisioned as a reboot, and the first Kong set in WWII/1973, so the continuity really begins with the 2019 movie. Except there’s no continuity in terms of human characters. Kyle Chandler and Millie Bobby Brown show up in the first movie with Vera Farmiga, who’s replaced in the second by Rebecca Hall, who’s in this one even as Brown/Chandler vamoose. Brian Tyree Henry also reprises his role as conspiracy-theorist podcaster Bernie Hayes, while Kaylee Hottle returns as Jia, the deaf-mute who taught Kong sign language. So in the third true installment, no human from the first installment remains. 

Kong and Jia have more in common than sign language. Both are the last of their tribes and both are lonely. That’s the theme. Kong looks sad and moans, while Jia, now raised by Ilene, doesn’t fit in at school, and it gets worse when she goes into a trance and sketches something that looks like an EKG of a heart attack. But guess what? She does it because of telepathic communication by the Iwi tribe from within Hollow Earth warning of an existential threat! She’s not the last of her tribe!

And neither is Kong! When Ilene, Jia, Bernie and Trapper transport to Hollow Earth, they see a giant bloody handprint on a mountainside:

Fat asshole who gets eaten by a tree: You think Kong did that?
Ilene: No, that’s not Kong. That’s something else.

There’s a whole giant ape colony on Hollow Earth. Except, whoops, it’s actually a slave colony. Stuff is being mined, ape heads on spikes, you get the idea. Why is stuff being mined for apes? Who knows? But the tyrant ape is Skar King, who’s tall and thin. He’s the existential threat.

Him?

Yes. Because he controls Shimo with some pain crystal thingee.

Sure, but with Godzilla, how is this even a battle? Godzilla takes on Shimo while Kong knocks out Skar with one punch.

Nope, it’s a battle. More than battle. Godzilla and Kong need help.

They need help? Against that skinny fucker?

Yes. Mothra. Whom only Jia can awaken.

Why only Jia?

It’s been prophesied. Anyway, Mothra, who looks like a giant moth, isn’t particularly scary—you feel like a strong breeze could pull off her wings—but her role is to stop Kong and Godzilla from fighting each other in Cairo so the two can return to Hollow Earth to battle Skar/Shimo. But then Skar/Shimo find the portal to the surface and Skar tries to initiate a new Ice Age in Rio de Janeiro. How do our guys win? Suko, the annoying teen ape Kong found earlier in the movie finally comes through. He uses Kong’s axe to destroy the pain-crystal-thingee, freeing Shimo, who immediately freezes Skar. Then Kong shatters him with one punch from his exoskeleton fist.

And the prototype holds.

Toys R Him
Want to see something sad? Here’s a roll call of the talent we’ve seen reacting to and interacting with the monsters of the Monsterverse over the last 10 years:

• Ken Watanabe (twice)
• Juliette Binoche
• Bryan Cranston
• Sally Hawkins (twice)
• David Straithairn (twice)
• Elizabeth Olsen
• Tom Hiddleston
• Samuel L. Jackson
• John Goodman
• Brie Larson
• Shea Whigham
• John C. Reilly
• Vera Farmiga
• Millie Bobby Brown (twice)
• Bradley Whitford
• Alexander Skarsgard
• Lance Reddick
• Demian Bichir
• Rebecca Hall (twice)
• Brian Tyree Henry (twice).

Imagine the other movies you could've made with these people.

But if you’re going to make these things, Warners, do what your international partner Toho did with “Godzilla Minus One.” They grounded the story in history—WWII and its immediate aftermaths—and focused on characters. This thing is just a cartoon. When Kong tears a giant wolf in half, then has to shower off its green insides, I could help but think of “Shrek.” Is Skar a nod to Scar of “Lion King”? Meanwhile, the fights make the battles in the WWE seem legit.

Now that I think about it, Warners did ground “Kong: Skull Island” in history—WWII/Vietnam and its aftermaths—and that was the best movie of this sorry bunch. The good news? Apparently, after two films, Adam “Toys R Us” Wingard is leaving the Monsterverse, so maybe someone not trying to recreate a 1980s toy aisle, but actually trying to make a movie with a story, will be hired. Stranger things have happened.