Box Office: Jesus Died So We Could All See 'Furious 7'
Americans celebrated Good Friday by making the seventh installment of the “Fast & Furious” franchise, which long ago dropped its definite articles, along with any semblance to reality, the No. 1 box office hit in the country. This was expected. Slightly unexpected? “Furious 7” pulled in $67 million yesterday. That's the 10th-highest-grossing opening day total ever. Only superheroes, vampires and Katniss are above it, and most of them not by much. In fact, that $67 million one-day total is better than any 2014 movie, including, it should be added, “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay—Part 1,” a franchise that seems to think elongated titles, not to mention definite articles, are a positive thing. “Furious 7” respectfully disagrees. It goes “Buh.”
So how did we get here? The following is a chart of all seven “F&F” movies:
|Year||Title||Opening Day||Opening Wknd.||Domestic Gross|
|2001||The Fast and the Furious||$15,214,995||$40,089,015||$144,533,925|
|2003||2 Fast 2 Furious||$19,664,160||$50,472,480||$127,154,901|
|2006||The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift||$9,731,805||$23,973,840||$62,514,415|
|2009||Fast and Furious||$30,560,630||$70,950,500||$155,064,265|
|2013||Fast & Furious 6||$38,737,505||$97,375,245||$238,679,850|
Look at the evolution (devolution?) of those opening day numbers. We nearly killed the thing in 2006, when it lost both original stars Vin Diesel and Paul Walker and went with Lucas Black and Bow Wow. But then the originals came back in '09, added Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in '11, and, not content with two balded-head musclemen, brought in Jason Stratham for this installment. Do we count Tyrese Gibson (“2 Fast,” and since “Fast Five”) as well? Or is he just black comic relief for white folks? Almost all of these guys, by the way, are literal representations of erect penises: bald, perpetually tumescent and not very smart. Add fast cars + hot chicks + things gettin' blowed up and you get vroom vroom at the box office.
The tagline for the movie is “One Last Ride.” Wishful thinking.
Chicks dig bald and tumescent.