Yankees Suck postsSaturday August 09, 2014
David Simon Uses the NY Yankees to Prove There is No God
David Simon, co-creator of “The Wire,” has an article in Sports Illustrated on his team, the Baltimore Orioles, and its chance of making the postseason this year. Any fan of any franchise that hasn't done well in, say, the last 30 years, will identify.
But this is the quote that had me nodding my head. Simon is writing about how the O's might win because anything can happen in an infinite universe. Then he asks, “How do we know this?”
Well, for one thing, there is no God. There is only science. If there were a God, he would be—as evidenced by all of modern baseball history—a devoted fan of the Yankees. And God, at least the Judeo-Christian version of Him rather than the Aristotelian unmoved mover, is said to be good. Ergo, there is no God.
Of course, Douglass Wallop had an alternative theory on Yankee domination.
Jeter and Rivera celebrate another triumph in a godless universe, 2009.
'I believe you've been waiting for this photo all your life'
My friend Adam Wahlberg posted this link, with the photo below, and the words above, on my Facebook page last night. I cracked up.
He knows I'm not a fan of either man—although I'd still take Jeter in a New York minute over W. I actually have admiration for Jeter. I just have no admiration for Jeter overadmiration, which is everywhere, even in Texas. Looking at the photo, I thought, all we need is “Transformers 2” playing in the background to complete the trifecta. My great big ICK of the first decade of the 21st century.
For more on these subjects, click the tags below.
In the meantime, what would your ICK trifecta look like?
Actually, Wallace Matthews, That is Exactly What I Want
From the ESPN.com/New York columnist's post on the Yankees 4-2 loss to the woeful Texas Rangers tonight:
Not what you want: Derek Jeter with the bases loaded, that is. The captain ran his streak of futility to 0-for-8 (he has two sacrifice flies) with the bases loaded this season, rapping into a 4-6-3 double play to end the fifth inning with the Yankees clinging to a 2-1 lead.
Anyone have a GIF of this? So I can watch it again and again?
Just Retire Already
Apparently this ad premiered last night during the HR Derby:
It was posted on YouTube with this tagline:
No matter what hat you wear, tip it to The Captain. #RE2PECT
Sorry. I don't have anything to tip to the Cap'n. Just something to flip. #2AWFUL
I just don't get MLB fans and MLB teams anymore. All of these parting gifts for Jeter? A Derek Jeter Day in Chicago? It's as if he never caused you and your team heartache. I can't believe Minnesota gave him anything (other than a razzie) considering what he did to the Twins in the postseason over the years. Ditto Seattle and the Mariners. Jeter has five rings while Ken Griffey Jr. and Edgar Martinez and Jay Buhner never even went? And you want to give him more shit? To comfort him when supermodels aren't enough?
Seriously, if you want to show him respect, boo the crap out of him. That's what we do with opposition players who cause us heartache. Because this stuff? Farewell gifts and pats on the back and polite applause? It's what you give to someone old and feeble and toothless.
Other Parting MLB Gifts for Derek Jeter
Tim Keeney is tracking all of the parting gifts MLB teams are giving Derek Jeter during his farewell tour/season. These include:
- An electric guitar (Cleveland)
- Stan Musial cufflinks (St. Louis)
- Art made from subway tiles (Mets)
- A New York Yankees #2 surfboard (Angels, bro)
- The last second base used in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome (Minnesota, yah)
Is anyone else embarrassed by all this? The man's the competition. What would Bob Gibson say? (What does Bob Gibson say?) I'm so tired of these gladhanding farewell tours. Who started this? Mariano last year? Cal Ripken in 2001? Because I don't remember a Willie Mays farewell tour. Or a Hank Aaron. Or a Harmon Killebrew.
But if we're going to do it, let's do it right. Here are my suggestions for parting MLB gifts for old #2:
- The ball that was blooped over his head to win the 2001 World Series for the Diamondbacks (Arizona)
- The bat Jhonny Peralta used to hit the routine grounder to short, on which Jeter broke his ankle, in Game 1 of the 2012 ALCS (Detroit)
- A Tony Tarasco “I wuz robbed” bobblehead, to remind Jeter that his first postseason homerun, the Jeffrey Maier homerun, which tied Game 1 of the 1996 ALCS in the 8th inning, was total bullshit (Baltimore)
- A glove made from the garbage found in NY subways, to honor Jeter's five Gold Gloves and career -9.4 defensive WAR (Mets)
- A DVD of ESPN's documentary “Four Days in October,” about the unprecedented comeback of the 2004 Boston Red Sox (Boston)
- One of Dave Roberts' running gloves from Game 4 (Boston)
- A David Ortiz jersey from Game 5 (Boston)
- A pair of white socks and a bottle of ketchup (Boston)
- A midge farm (Cleveland)
- A request for Minka Kelly's phone number (Oakland, Texas, Tampa Bay ... pretty much everyone)
- A ticket stub from the Kingdome, May 30, 1995, Mariners vs. Yankees, the game in which Jeter got his first hit. Wait, who is this for again? Jeter? Psych! (Seattle)
- A door, which shouldn't hit him on the way out (Minnesota)
Feel free to add your own in the comments section.
Of all the Jeter gifts, I like the surfboard best.
Twitter: @ErikLundegaardTweets by @ErikLundegaard